Just Tell the Truth 

Rather than relying upon euphemisms, every agency in the government should be given an honest name. Now they are doublespeak, decries Andy Kessler in the WSJ. Euphemisms often hide the real functions of government actions.

But why stop with the Department of Defense? Many more departments would be better renamed, especially the Department of War.

Some name changes are easy. The last administration’s Social Justice Department?

The Federal Trade Constriction Commission. Let’s turn three-letter agencies into four-word agencies.

Mr. Kessler would begin with the Commerce Department. Why not to the Department of Corporate Extortion?

Intel is giving up nearly 10% of its equity to Uncle Sam. Rare-earth extractor MP Materials sold the Pentagon a 15% stake. Nvidia and AMD must now pay a 15% export tax to sell advanced chips in China. U.S. Steel handed over a golden share.

Were you aware that in February, Apple announced $500 billion in U.S. investments, and then in April miraculously escaped reciprocal tariffs on iPhones?

Apple added another $100 billion in U.S. investment in August. There is the whiff of support-and-extort capitalism (Kessler would trademark that!), with shares plus tariff gains potentially destined for a Sovereign Wealth Slush Fund.

Where Does It End?

When it comes to patents, Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick recently admitted, “We have given tens, if not hundreds, of billions of dollars to universities for them to do research.”

If, asks Kessler, we give universities money, isn’t it fair that the United States of America, and its taxpayers who funded it, get a piece of that?

Well, there is the Bayh-Dole Act of 1980, Kessler reminds readers. The Act explicitly allows universities and others to own their federally funded inventions.

Stop giving them money, implores Kessler,

There are other ways to pay for basic research. Preorder drugs or chips.

A Lot of Confetti

Then we have the aptly named Operation Warp Speed. Mr. Kessler has other suggestions, like renaming Treasury to the Dollar Printing Like Confetti Department.

An ounce of gold, in 1971, was $35. Now you can own an ounce for more than $3,600.

Penny-postcard stamps cost 61 cents. That’s a lot of confetti.

Complicit is the Federal Reserve, better named the Federal Preserve for Economic Ph.D.s.

… (President) Trump wants to use them as the interest rate-slashing Federal Punch Bowl Filler. Watch your wallet.

And given how many revisions we see on jobs data, let’s call the Bureau of Labor Statistics the Wild A— Guessing Gang.

A Win for Farmers and Pharma

Moving on to the Agriculture Department, Kessler wonders if there is anyone out there who knows what that department does. Kessler would change it to the High-Fructose Corn Syrup Subsidizer.

These sugars are jammed into cheap, ultra-processed foods and distributed via electronic benefit transfers—sorry, food stamps—with the subsequent girth growth treated with Ozempic and Wegovy. Farmers and pharma win at the expense of eaters.

Health and Human Services might become the Class Action Setup Faction.

Former personal-injury practitioner Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is the head of HHS. After canceling $500 million in funding for vaccines to prevent bird flu and the like, he recently declared that “mRNA technology poses more risks than benefits for these respiratory viruses.” Class-action lawyers are salivating.

The Education Department apparently is still around. Rebrand it as the Remedial Instructor Full Employment group.

English teachers might suggest probity and veracity in naming conventions. Or not. More than half of Americans have literacy below a sixth-grade level. There are 30 schools in Illinois with zero students reading at grade level. Alternatively, we could call it the Raise College Tuition Annually Department, done effectively by the federal guarantee of student loans.

The Union Perpetuation Society could become The Vice Squad.

Green boondoggles “R” Us becomes Conflicts Keep Us Employed Department.

• Labor Department? The Progress Inhibiting Agency
• Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives/ Energy Department/ State Department/ Environmental Protection Agency? ? The Progress Inhibiting Agency.
• The Federal Bureau of Investigation? More aptly named, The Presidential Election Manipulation Organization
• The Central Intelligence Agency? Clearly the Streaming TV Plot Development Writers’ Room.Netflix needs them, Kessler assures readers.

We need to compete against the British shows about MI5 and MI6. America first!

• Congress would become the Backbiting and Stagnation Club.
• The Postal Service? Easy. The Slow Expensive Obsolete Monopoly.

As Kessler explains to those under 35, people used to drop handwritten things called letters into steel boxes, to be delivered by snappily dressed government employees.

In a baffling move, the post office sponsored a Tour de France cycling team. Maybe the only honest part was aligning themselves with people who take three weeks to cross a region the size of Texas.

A campaigning Donald Trump promised to slash government spending.

A congressional rescission cut $9 billion—no more taxpayer funding for NPR, National Biased Radio.

With a “pocket rescission,” President Trump hopes to cut another $4.9 billion in foreign aid. More like pocket change.

By honestly naming government departments, the public would be more likely to get behind real cuts.

But notes Mr. Kessler, he would shrink or close most of them.

That sounds better.